The Disappearance of Grace

The Forum puzzles through a regrettable disappearance

The Disappearance of Grace
Let me pose a question to you, dear reader: Posed with the following request, worded as it is in two different ways, which one would you react most favorable to?
“Get the “#@$%^” out of my way you “blanking #$%^*” before I “&*^%” you!
or
“Pardon me, if I could just squeeze by you…”
I’ll let you mull your answer and why the question is posed at all while you read the following memorial/commentary.
Solving the disappearance of grace came about in a most unorthodox fashion. The death of my father was the vehicle facilitating the solution of this dilemma. An eye opening revelation occurred during the days leading up to and including his Memorial Service.
Standing on my own two feet, independent economic viability and refusing to display a subservient attitude to anyone who, for reasons of sexual assignment-if you want to call it that-by two microscopic gametes, deem themselves to be superior, are lifelong habits for me. Inherent characteristics, they’re not habits developed along the way, or a cause I became swept away with, they’re who I am.
Had I been suitably endowed in the days of bra burning I would have. I did march, cry foul and in all the peaceful, graceful ways possible protest injustice. The women’s liberation movement is negatively viewed by many these days, not so much because they don’t want equality but due to the tendency of those passionate about a cause to get carried away with themselves. As with any cause there are those-and women’s lib abounds with just such types-that act too enthusiastically without thought to possible repercussions. The most reasonable of causes has found itself hobbled by the extremists among its ranks.
The original ideals of the push for women’s rights can only be made light of by those who never dealt with deprivation and/or ridicule by virtue of their sex. Bottom line--how can anyone condone the purposeful mistreatment of a fellow living being? That’s ultimately what the women’s liberation movement sought to put an end to.
Spending the greater part of my life, thus far, viewing chivalry, politeness and gentlemanly behavior on the part of males as a demeaning, demoralizing slap in the face it’s no wonder my sleuthing to solve the mysterious disappearance of grace ran into a dead end. My father’s passing, his friends subsequent reactions, coupled with my changing views on the real meaning behind his actions, allowed me to see what key I needed to turn to access the answers.
After a span of over twenty years during which there was virtually no interaction between my father and me the last five or so have been spent getting acquainted. Deep down acquainted not just surface façade buddies. At his recent memorial service the most prevalent comments revolved around is having been a “true gentleman”. They gifted me with personal stories and anecdotes to further make their point.
Yes, he held doors, catered to women, did all those habit things that people view as being gentlemanly but more importantly he didn’t judge in the way we do as a general rule these days. Being the consummate gentleman came about through his training as a young man but also through his wanting to be gentle and caring in the way he dealt with the world, and part of his training and what he absolutely needed to do was help and nurture, take care of things. His being polite and fulfilling his role as a male wasn’t viewed by him as his being “better than” or deserving or whatever might be the appropriate social term these days. I never know quite what to use since the “correct” terminology changes on a seemingly daily basis. He certainly had his opinions but he viewed the world and found much of it very interesting. That didn’t mean he wanted it all in his living room but he did want to know about it and he respected it. That’s a big difference to either condoning something or ridiculing it because it’s not “in” or “done”. He was kind, considerate, giving-without expecting rewards-protective, and respectful. He wasn’t pushy, bossy, loud or obnoxious in any way. He quietly, and firmly went about his business and along the way wowed all the people who knew him and considered him their friend. They couldn’t say enough about how he would be missed. One story relayed at his Service sticks in my mind as being typical Dad. The theater club had finished a play rehearsal and dispersed to their apartments for the night. After finishing the final clean up the activities director and her husband walked my father to the elevator, watching the door close before the power went off. Tentatively asking if he were there-hopefully he’d gotten to the next floor before power failure-his voice replied that he was.
“Do you have a light in there?
“Yes”
“I hope they get the back up system working quickly.” Shirley worried that her 89 year old friend might have issues with being stuck in the elevator.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll read my book.” Some twenty minutes later, released from the cubicle he declared he was fine, no big deal but would have preferred to have had a chair. Other people would have been screaming their heads off.
Perhaps the most interestingly of all, at least in light of the stereotyping that’s been done regarding an older person’s ability to continue the growth and change that ideally we manifest as younger people, was his capacity to change. His open mind, a willingness to always be learning, and joy of living-interacting with life-provide me with a wonderful example to emulate.
My father quietly, determinedly, with infinite gentlemanly grace traveled through the course of his life and left behind an abundance of those who genuinely miss him very much.
Now regarding cracking the case of the disappearance of grace, and returning to those two questions posed at the beginning of this writing. I don’t know about you but the person who would present their request in the manner of the first example would set my teeth on edge, get my back up and foster uncooperative sullenness on my part. Example number two would elicit an immediate, positive response.
The disappearance of grace has occurred due to the impression that politeness equates with domination. Anything men did or do in some women’s eyes is suspect. Applying the social graces does nothing more than ameliorate prospective social abrasiveness that can result in anything from war to minor unpleasantness. Used “properly” grace can save the world, make someone feel better or get you what you want. Changed from habits that soothe to symbols of a domineering, overbearing authority grace has fallen into disuse. Take for example equality of pay. There are still major discrepancies between the salaries paid, for identical jobs, between men and women. I would rather a man hold the door open for me and pay me a comparable wage than the other way around. As one of the last purveyor’s of the lost arts of social graces my father again provided an example and lesson for me, his only daughter, to emulate.
Euroswydd, Reiki Clown and Mort impressed as we are by this memorial/commentary can’t wait to share it with the galaxy. So many humans in the “developed” areas of North America fell prey, during the late 20th and early 21st Centuries fell prey to the attitudes of the times and suffered for it. Apparently, however, there were some holdouts who managed to stay true to their principles and a more gentile, compassionate way of life.